Saturday, October 8, 2011

No weapons... No friends... No hope. Take all that away... and what's left? Me.



    I still wait in ward 5S.  While waiting for my visitors I have already downloaded 7 movies on iTunes... what does this mean? My excessive-ness in each and every thing I do...  Is it part of my mental illness? And how many more questions do you think I can ask in this blog that I am unable to answer in their entirety?  The doorbell for the ward keeps ringing, I'm anxious now.  My boyfriend is coming, I can only imagine what he will think once he sees me here.  I used to be placed on this gold pedestal back in the day.  I was full of potential and charisma - damn, I think I've lost my mojo.


    The countdown begins now. Two days till Austen Riggs - the pressure is on.  


    Relax
    Take a breath.  
    I am a dramatic person, this I know.  It is one of my many strengths.  However, not only do I need to, but I am expected to find better ways to deal with the normal ups and downs of life.  I have no choice in the matter.  So, here's another question I will ask before I step back into that "open community for the treatment resistant patient" - the hardest and bravest thing I have ever done, surprisingly.  


    What do I want?


     I'm not going to sit here and tell you I want to get better and be normal... that's weak.  I am telling you I am going to cope with my feelings better, and well, yes, I WILL get better. I am not normal.  To be "healthy" could take a lifetime.  I don't have that kind of time.  But with the time I do have, this time around, it will be different.


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