I still wait in ward 5S. While waiting for my visitors I have already downloaded 7 movies on iTunes... what does this mean? My excessive-ness in each and every thing I do... Is it part of my mental illness? And how many more questions do you think I can ask in this blog that I am unable to answer in their entirety? The doorbell for the ward keeps ringing, I'm anxious now. My boyfriend is coming, I can only imagine what he will think once he sees me here. I used to be placed on this gold pedestal back in the day. I was full of potential and charisma - damn, I think I've lost my mojo.
The countdown begins now. Two days till Austen Riggs - the pressure is on.
Relax
Take a breath.
I am a dramatic person, this I know. It is one of my many strengths. However, not only do I need to, but I am expected to find better ways to deal with the normal ups and downs of life. I have no choice in the matter. So, here's another question I will ask before I step back into that "open community for the treatment resistant patient" - the hardest and bravest thing I have ever done, surprisingly.
What do I want?
I'm not going to sit here and tell you I want to get better and be normal... that's weak. I am telling you I am going to cope with my feelings better, and well, yes, I WILL get better. I am not normal. To be "healthy" could take a lifetime. I don't have that kind of time. But with the time I do have, this time around, it will be different.
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