Today, in therapy, I talked about my father and his "lack of filter". He has a tendency to be blunt. My therapist was shocked, then again, most would be if they didn't know the man/legend himself. I remember my father's last words before I left on Monday, "Do the work, don't fuck up." Those words have stuck with me throughout these past few days, they've sent strange shivers up my spine as I repeat them in my head. This is going to be hard, almost impossible I think to myself. In fact, I say them out loud and as I hear my voice, it all becomes too real.
At this point I can't imagine being in the real world. I feel almost protected in this small town, surrounded by these old familiar walls. I talk about my past life experiences in therapy; certain times in my life when the going got tough, certain incidents and episodes where I thought, "when will this be over?" Currently, I have such an aching feeling in my heart, my brain and my soul. Yet, when I talk about my past in therapy I portray no emotion, why is that? Is it because I have put such a blockage on my emotions to get through present day life? Can someone really come to grips with the fact that they have hallucinated, heard voices, stole from their parents, eased the pain with drugs and attempted suicide?
After being poked and prodded at for two consecutive days, I've finally settled back into the community... The amount of questions I have had to answer from nursing staff, doctors and patients has been almost unbearable:
What brought you back to Riggs? To make a long story short, I have stopped functioning as a human being. No motivation, major depression, major anxiety, major abuse of copious amounts of cocaine, no job, no structure, no future, no hope.
Why were you administratively discharged during your last stay at Riggs? I was in a exclusive relationship which I lied about for months...
In this open setting, do you think you will have cravings to abuse substances? I have cravings for carbs, and carbs only.
Considering past history, do you think you can be completely honest with us...?
What brought you back to Riggs? To make a long story short, I have stopped functioning as a human being. No motivation, major depression, major anxiety, major abuse of copious amounts of cocaine, no job, no structure, no future, no hope.
Why were you administratively discharged during your last stay at Riggs? I was in a exclusive relationship which I lied about for months...
In this open setting, do you think you will have cravings to abuse substances? I have cravings for carbs, and carbs only.
Considering past history, do you think you can be completely honest with us...?
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