This is my last chance, he tells me. When I'm 26, there goes my health insurance... So does that mean I can no longer get help post present visit at Riggs?
I can't help but feel the pressure which then leads into anxiety and then the need for distraction. I don't want that this time. I want to do the work, to invest myself fully in the work. But how do I do this without going completely insane?
My session with my therapist was hard today. I catch myself when thinking of not wanting to attend tomorrow's session. We talked about my anger. My anger towards my parents and towards myself. Anger about the lack of knowledge I have of myself. I want to succeed, I want to finish school and live in an apartment of my own. But I'm too "sick." I'm "not ready." I haven't shown them any progress. My question is how can I succeed if I'm so discouraged from the lack of faith portrayed by those around me?
My session with my therapist was hard yesterday.
You can say I have hit it, rock bottom.
I guess there isn't much humor in my writing lately but I'm beyond tired.
I'm beyond scared.
I'm standing on the mouth of hell and it feels as if it's going to swallow me whole.
I have this fear.
My fear revolves around the knowledge I have about my path of self destruction. It revolves around how much destruction I can possibly do before there's nothing left around me. Not even myself. I ask myself, who am I? May sound a tad bit silly. But let's not forget that it is an existential question... What defines you? One doctor here told me I sound so lost. She told me I am a substance abuse liar. That's the behavior I've shown in the past which now defines me...
THAT MADE ME ANGRY.
They want an apocalypse? Oh, we'll give 'em one. I just declared war. From now on I won't just face my worst fears, I will seek them out. There's only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that's Me...
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